How To Become A Slut

How to Become a Slut

            When you’re thirteen you’ll look up porn because you over heard boys at school talking about fingering girls. They’ll laugh at you when you ask “why do your girlfriends like when you them the finger”. You’ll realize the way he grabs her hair while she moans gives you a tingle you’ve never felt before. Do ‘further research’. After a while you’ll feel like you peed a little or your dad bumped the heat on and maybe you’re just sweating. You close the tabs and go back to your room to put on sushi pjs your grandma bought you last Christmas. When you take off your underwear you’ll notice they’re wet and where you felt that sweat is now aching. Pain is never a good thing so you worry. Confused about how this is happening you reach down to feel what you can only describe as a wet grapefruit. Rubbing around you’ll try to find a cut, feel a bump from a bruise, just anything that would explain what you’re feeling. All of a sudden, you start to feel a tingling that causes your knees to go weak. You’ll lay on the bed and touch where you remember the man in the video going. You feel like you’re going to pee until suddenly tremors rip through your entire body, leaving you both exhausted and exhilarated. The grapefruit that is part of you is bursting. The shaking slowly subsides and you’ll give into the heaviness of your eye lids.

The next day you avoid those boys. Fearing that they’ll take one look at you and know what you did last night. Fearing that they’ll take one look at you and know how much you liked it.

In the upcoming weeks your parents will comment about how the computer has a virus. Just in passing and your blood will run cold. Most nights before bed you had been logging on just to feel those tremors again. A couple days later your mom will be driving with you and your sister in the back and turn down the music. “Someone has been looking at your father’s personal stuff.” You honestly have no idea what she’s talking about and exchange a confused glance in the back seat. “His underwear?” it’s the only private thing of your dads that you can think of. “No.” She’ll say sternly. “Someone’s been looking at porn.” How could you have known that your dad owned porn? “Until someone confesses, you’re both grounded.” You’ll be confused. How could it be bad when you were always left feeling so good? This is when you’ll first wonder if something is wrong with you. So you stop.

When you’re fourteen you’ll meet him. He’s not ‘the one’, just the ‘for now’, but you don’t know that yet. He stirs up your insides and makes you feel that aching you’ve been trying for hard to block out and forget. You stay above the belt until the day his mom says she’s running to the store for just a minute. As the door closes his hand is going in your pants and you’re already shaking with the anticipation.

He has no idea what he’s doing and doesn’t really care because he’s already pushing on your head to pull down his basketball shorts that have turned into a tent. As you pull down the shorts his dick hits you in the face and he moans. Boys are fucking weird. Remembering all the videos of ‘research’ you put it all in your mouth and bob your head. He grabs your hair and helps you out while you reach one hand down and help yourself. A minute later when you feel you’re about to reach a tremor of pleasure he pulls out of your mouth and covers your face, burning your eyes, all the while moaning ‘oh fuck ohhh fuuuck’. Magical.

Three weeks later his mom needs another carton of Marlboro. She slams the door behind her. Again his hand is lost in your pants as he searches for your anything. You guide him, but when does he get there he only stays for a second before pushing you down again to his dick. You take it in your mouth like a champ and reach your hand down while he grabs your hair. This time he doesn’t pull out. You just start to tremor when you hear him moan ‘oh fuck’ and suddenly your mouth is full of hot salt, but you gag it down because he’s stroking your cheek saying ‘good job baby’. He promises he loves you. He wants to make your relationship official. He wants to talk about this. You have no objections, but know someone who will.

That night at dinner you’ll tell mom that you want to go to the doctor. “Why?” Can you tell her? Does dad own sex too? You tell her you have a cough and just want to go and get it checked out. She’ll say “I’ll think about it.” then get you an appointment for next week.

            When you do see the doctor you’ll put on the routine of a cough, even sniffle through the appointment to really sell it. Once you reach the end of the checkup the doctor asks “is there anything you want to speak to me about in private?” Mom looks at you as you tell the doctor yes. Mom will laugh, but then you just look at her and say “I’m serious”. Mom will leave the room, confused and probably a little angry. As the door clicks you look up at the doctor and tell her the truth for the first time in the appointment. “I want to be on birth control”, the words coming out as clear as you had practiced in the mirror. The doctor will ask if your cough was real and you’ll tell her no. With a swish of her pen and a rip off her pad of paper, you’ll be on your way.

            When you get home Mom will sit you down, telling you she’s not stupid. “You should wait until you’re at least fifteen so your hips would be ready to give birth.” This won’t make sense to you, considering the birth control should prevent birth no matter the size of your hips. “If you have any questions you can ask me.” However, the first question you ask she’ll refuse to answer. She ends the conversation with “You really shouldn’t do this. No one is going to buy the cow if they can get the milk for free.” You’ll think about that saying for years to come.

            You hold him off until July. It’s not hard because you don’t really have the time alone that you had anticipated at his house. Neither of you can wait anymore though. You’re barley fifteen and that’s all the permission you need. He’s staying with you and your family for the holiday. He’s sleeping down on the pull out couch, which is an irony that you won’t get until a couple months later. It’s four in the morning and you sneak down the stairs to lay next to him. You can feel the sleep in your eyes and taste his morning breath, but you love him. Nothing matters in that moment more than the pair of eager genitals you both have. He got the condom from his dad who told him “Be smart about it”. Later you’ll wonder why he didn’t hear about the cow, but right now your hand is rubbing his dick and he’s opening the condom that makes the whole room smell like rubber. You have to help him put it on in the dark. Then he’s on top of you and it happens.

            You feel like you’ve been stabbed, it really fucking hurts. He’s immediately throwing his head back with pleasure, while it’s all you can do not to ask him to take it out. It hurts more as he pushes deeper inside of you. You let out a little whine, to which he responds “me too baby”. It’s hurting him too? How do people like doing this if it hurts this much? You don’t understand. He eventually rolls off you saying “that was great.” You lay there. You don’t know how to feel. Do you feel closer to him? You want to so you tell yourself you do. All the movies show girls cuddling up afterwards so that’s what you do.

            After a couple minutes you get up and go pee to feel like a dagger is between your legs yet again and see blood on the toilet paper before you flush. Grabbing a glass of water you invite him outside to watch the sunrise with you. It’s beautiful, just the same as yesterday, but you are different. He wants to do it again. Right now? This time he wants you on top. With the sun just peaking over the trees you pull off your panties and slide yourself onto his still hard dick. It still hurts, but not as bad this time. This time it’s almost a good hurt. You don’t cum, but you don’t hate it this time around.

            As you get more and more opportunities to have sex you realize how it is as great as they say. Yes it still hurts, but if he’s gentle at the start and you push through it everything is okay. You’re asking for it more than he can keep up with. Nothing has been this good before. Your fingers suddenly aren’t what you crave to satisfy that ach. For a minute, everything seems good, and you don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with you.

Five months pass and you’re crying in your bed while the moon watches. How could he utter the words “I hate you” when you had given him everything you had to give. The only word you can think is Cow.

His friend was always kind of a perv when you dated, but now you don’t fight it. One of his comments about wanting to help you get over him stick with you. One day after school you get in his passenger seat to go to his house. When you get there you meet an excited border collie and about 35 different versions of him growing up on the walls. He takes you by the hand to lead you down to the basement. A card table is in the middle of the room and there’s a futon in the corner that catches your eye. He takes notice, leading you there where you both sit a little too close. He’s waiting for you to talk, but honestly you’re just tired. You’re tired of talking because it only brings out tears and make you feel worse. So you do the only thing you know to make a guy not talk.

His lips move different than you’re used to and his hands are almost too cold against your cheek as the travel to your breasts. The ach in your heart is all of a sudden in between your thighs, so strong you gasp. He climbs on top of you while pulling at the button of your pants. You help him out and slide them all the way off while he takes care of his own. The condom comes out the pocket of his as the crumple on the floor.

            He doesn’t hurt you. Taking it slow and kissing your neck makes you want him more. Suddenly he’s thrusting so hard you feel that you’ll tumble right onto the floor if he keeps going. You’re enjoying it so much that you actually feel a little ripple throughout your body and grab his shoulders for stability.

            When he’s done he rolls onto his back and just breathes. You look at him in the basement lighting and he says “Well that was unexpected.” You think about how the condom was already in his pocket when he took his pants off. “Really?” You’ll be a coy as possible about responding. “Ya.” He stares straight at the ceiling “I didn’t know you were that easy.” All you can think about is cows.