Clean

It’s seven in the morning and I’m walking through my hall alone. A sight to see with tangled hair, puffy eyes, and some blood running down my left leg. No one in my hall is awake. I sneak into my room and see my roommate’s small body under her blankets.

            Robotically

                        Grab my towel

                        Grab my shower caddy

                        Open my door

                        Walk

                                    Left right left right left right left right left right left right . . .

I reach the unisex bathroom, ready to have it all to myself

avoid the mirror

I slowly take off my shirt and drop it to the floor. I pull apart the clasps on my bra, feeling the straps slip off my shoulders. I take off my shorts and toss them into the corner of the bathroom. I immediately throw away my underwear. They’re ruined by my own blood and torn beyond repair.

            Inspection

                        Bruises blooming everywhere

                                    I could almost see his fingers in them

                        Residue on my stomach

                                    Leaving a trail, leading to where the blood comes

                        Blood down my left leg

                                    Mixing with more bruises on my thighs

I hurt everywhere, but felt especially sore between my legs.

I turned the knob of the shower so the water would come out scalding hot.

            Soaps

                        Body wash

                                    Shampoo

                                                Conditioner

                                                            Face wash

The steam in the room made my skin flush. Finally, I stepped underneath the showerhead. My skin screamed and became an angry red.

It felt good to stand there.

                                    Body soap.

Loofah.

I felt the soap run across my arms and flow down my back to my legs. However,

            I only felt it was cleaning the surface.

                        I scrubbed harder.

All I could picture were his hands on me.

                                                                        Covering me.

I got more soap and just poured it in my hand, using my nails and really getting at the dried bits on my stomach.

I thought of his mouth covering my breasts.

I poured more soap into my hand and accompanied it with frantic scrubbing.

His hand covering my mouth and his legs crushing mine

More soap

More scrubbing

More scratching

I felt the welts from my own scratching and the heat working on getting him off my skin. I reached for the soap bottle again.

Empty.

I wasn’t clean.

He was still all over me.

Oh god.

I used all my shampoo and conditioner, as well as the soap in the bathroom dispenser. Finally, burning and raw from both the water and my nails, I felt he was off my skin.

But I still wasn’t clean.

He was inside me.

I could still feel it. I ran to the toilet and promptly threw up.

                        get it out get it out get it out get it out get it out get it out get it out get it out

I grabbed my tooth brush and tooth paste from my caddy and stood in front of the sink. I covered my brush and started to vigorously scrub at my molars.

                                    It’s not enough.

I squeeze more toothpaste onto my brush.

                                                This won’t do.

I grabbed my mouth wash and began to rinse. The stinging felt good in my mouth.

                                                            Killing germs.

It was more than just my mouth that needed cleaned though. I gargled in the back of my throat feeling more stinging.

                        I swallow.

It continued to sting. Like I said though,

                                                                killing germs.

I grabbed the mouthwash and tipped it.

            Sipping.

                                    Gulping.

                                                            Chugging.

I felt it slide down my throat to reach the pile of knots that was my stomach. I very quickly finished the bottle.

                                                                                    It still wasn’t enough.

I needed something stronger.

I picked up my clothes and threw out the empty bottles of soap with the bottle o smouthwash. I ti[toed out of the bathroom.

                        Left right left right left right left right left right left right left right left right left

Back down the hall to my room. My roommate was in the same position I’d left her in. I threw my clothes in the hamper and put on sweat pants with an oversized shirt. I looked back at my hamper to where I kept both my detergent and my bleach.

                                                My eyes lit up.

I grabbed the bleach by the handle and held it close to me.

                        Breathing in the chemicals.

I twisted the lid off and set it next to me on the ground.

I couldn’t help but smile.

I lifted the bottle to my mouth and teared up at the odor. I felt the liquid pass my lips.

                        Down my throat.

                                                Into my stomach.

                                                                        Pumping through my blood stream.

I liked it.

I kept drinking.

                        Every thought,

                                                Every feeling,

                                                                        Every trace of him was disappearing

With each gulp.

I finished half the bottle by the time I felt satisfied.

Eyes watering,

Chest tight,

Stomach lurching.

I had never felt better.

Aware of and exhaustion that overcame me, I crawled across the floor and pulled myself into my bed.

                        After everything,

I was finally clean.